Why do I feel I need to be a good girl?
Good girls don’t cause drama.
Good girls don’t call other people out.
They stay quiet and say nothing.
They torture themselves on the inside that they did something wrong.
They caused this issue. It was something wrong in them that made this other person take advantage of them. They caused the wrong doing. They are the problem.
When we stay quiet we protect ourselves(?) and we protect the other person.
But are we protecting ourselves?
When on the inside we struggle, we shut down, we get sick, we get angry.
Women are called angry, aggressive, too much if they speak out. The shaming a lot of the time comes from other women. Other women who are hiding themselves more than likely. Keeping a part of themselves shackled to old stories and old programing.
Don’t be too much
Tell the truth, but not if it will hurt someone else
Don’t make others suffer, but if you suffer it’s ok
This is the double edged sword we go through daily as women.
I have been wrestling, struggling with this since March.
A dark evil inside of me that has had me re-evaluating and building a deeper connection with myself. Because I was not wrong. There was nothing wrong with me. I didn’t do anything to deserve having someone steal from me. It wasn’t my fault.
You see I believe that we are taught to keep it quiet.
Don’t ruffle feathers.
Don’t say too much.
Smile all the time, even when you are hurting.
If someone wrongs you…what did you do to deserve it.
It is the mental struggle that as a woman I have gone through and I can say
IT WASN’T MY FAULT.
I DID NOTHING WRONG.
I TRUSTED A PERSON AND IT WAS HER WHO MADE THE FATAL MISTAKE OF STEALING WITHOUT CONSENT. Not me.
If I talk about it does it make me…a bad girl, a bitch, evil, resentful, vengeful, needy, a cry baby, a tattle tale?
Or is it courageous, brave, strong, badass, the truth, powerful, honest, good, difficult, challenging, ugly, messy and everything in between.
Telling the truth isn’t easy. God that is so weird to even write but I think it is honest. How often do we tell little lies everyday? How often do you lie to your spouse, your kids, your co-workers, your parents, your friends, yourself each day.
I can do it!
I’ll get it done.
Sure I can add one more thing to my plate.
When really we want to say:
I am struggling!
I am not ok.
I can’t do one more thing.
I am hurting.
I am not sure how I will keep getting through this.
I am lonely.
This is my journaling into me doing the work. Me healing. Me processing. And Reawakening myself to my voice, my inner strength, my view on right and wrong, my undoing, my beginning, my rebirth, my power, my love for myself and strength.
Check out Part 2 later this week=)